Relational Experiments: Why We Understand Ourselves but Still Feel Stuck in Relationships
- Apr 20
- 4 min read
Updated: May 18
We can understand ourselves… and still feel stuck.
We may know how to communicate.
We may recognize our patterns.
We may even have the words ready.
And yet, in the moment, something shifts.
We hold back.
We soften what we really mean.
Or we react in ways that don’t feel like us.
For many of us — especially while living abroad, adjusting to a new culture, or parenting between cultures — these moments can feel amplified. There is more adaptation, more pressure, and often less space to process what is happening internally.
This is often where online therapy or virtual counseling begins to support us in making sense of our experience.
But insight alone is not always where change happens.
The Emotional Side of Feeling Stuck in Relationships
What happens in those moments is rarely just cognitive.
It’s immediate.
Physical.
Relational.
We may notice:
tension in the body
hesitation or self-doubt
a pull to withdraw or to over-adapt
difficulty expressing needs clearly
Even when we know what we want to say.
These patterns are not simply habits of thought.
They are lived responses — shaped through past experiences, relationships, and environments — and they tend to appear in real time, in connection with others.
This is why understanding them does not always shift them.
What We May Be Navigating Beneath the Surface
identity and sense of self, especially when living abroad or parenting across cultures
emotional overwhelm or anxiety linked to constant adaptation
cultural adjustment stress and navigating different expectations
language shifts and difficulty expressing nuance or emotion
parental pressure, guilt, or feeling alone in responsibility
relationship strain, miscommunication, or emotional disconnection
These experiences often overlap.
They influence not only how we feel, but how we relate.
What Are Relational Experiments?
Relational experiments are simple, guided interactions where we can:
try something new
notice what happens inside us
stay with the experience
and adjust in real time
They are not about doing it “correctly.”
They are about:
a experiencing ourselves in relationship
Relational Lab draws from experiential and relational approaches, including elements of psychodrama, authentic relating, and creative expression. These approaches focus on the present moment and support change through lived interaction — not insight alone.
It is also a space to practice relational and social skills in real time — such as staying present, mindfulness, setting boundaries, tolerating discomfort, and expressing needs more clearly — skills often associated with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).
Why These Approaches Work: Role-Play & Authentic Relating
Role-play: practicing what is hard to do in real life
Role-play offers a space to rehearse real situations in a supported environment.
Research in psychodrama and experiential therapy shows that role-play can:
improve communication and interpersonal effectiveness
increase confidence in expressing needs and boundaries
reduce social anxiety and fear of judgment
strengthen emotional regulation
build empathy through perspective-taking
(Kipper & Ritchie, 2003; Orkibi & Feniger-Schaal, 2019)
In practice, this might look like:
Saying something we usually avoid.
Trying a different tone.
Staying with the discomfort instead of retreating.
Over time, this creates something essential:
a new relational experience — not just a new understanding
Authentic relating: awareness in real time
Authentic relating focuses on what is happening now, between us.
Instead of analyzing after the fact, we begin to notice:
how we feel in connection
what we hold back
how we respond to others in the moment
Research in social and health psychology shows that meaningful, emotionally attuned connection is a key factor in mental and physical wellbeing (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010; Cacioppo & Cacioppo, 2018).
This kind of practice also strengthens skills like:
staying present when emotions rise
name what is happening inside
tolerate discomfort without shutting down
express needs and boundaries more clearly
Authentic relating helps:
develop real-time self-awareness
feel seen and understood
increase emotional attunement
recognize relational patterns as they happen
build a deeper sense of connection and belonging
Why combining both matters
Together, these approaches support a natural process:
awareness
expression
practice
integration
This is often where meaningful change begins.
Beyond Words: Creative Expression in Relational Work
Not everything we experience can be accessed through language.
Some parts of us need a different way out.
Relational experiments may also include:
writing with the non-dominant hand
drawing or using colours to express internal states
noticing posture or body movements
using sound, rhythm, or voice
Research in expressive therapies suggests that creative processes support emotional access and integration, especially when experiences are difficult to verbalize (Malchiodi, 2012; Koch et al., 2019).
Try out the Relational Lab
If you’re curious to experience this in practice, the Relational Lab offers a space to explore it in real time.
A small, online group where you can experiment with how you show up, try something new, and stay with what happens — with support.
No pressure to perform. No need to get it right. Just space to notice, express, and explore.
→ Join me at the next lab
Every last Thursday of the month
A Space to Pause and Reflect
What feels most present for us right now?
Where do we notice this in the body?
What tends to happen in us in moments of connection or tension?
What might we be holding back that wants to be expressed?
Short Closing Reflection
Understanding ourselves can take us far.
But many of the patterns we struggle with do not live only in thought.
They live in how we relate — moment by moment.
And sometimes, what creates change is not more insight.
It is experiencing something different.
Working together
If you are feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or going through a life transition, virtual counseling, or telehealth can offer a space to slow down and make sense of what you're experiencing.
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